It’s been one month since you’ve shot yourself. That’s four weeks I’ve had to live in the wake of your consequences. 30 days that I’ve spent in pain, crying and questioning everything. Ever since you sent me that message… “Nvm…don’t come…” my entire world has changed. I’ve changed. I don’t know what “normal” feels like anymore and I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to normal. This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions; pain, grief, sadness, guilt, anger, etc. and right now, I feel a mix of every single one of these. I feel like I am walking on eggshells every day, scared that I’m going to shatter and burst into tears. Each day is spent picking up pieces you left behind and putting my life together. It’s a tedious and fragile task, and so exhausting. All I want is to be happy again, but I’m not quite sure how to get there nor how long it’s going to take…
All I ever wanted for the both of us was to be happy. So I appreciate that you’re trying to help by sending me reminders everywhere I go. Whether it be talking to your sister or your mom, or hearing a song on the radio. Sometimes it will make me cry, and other times I’ll shed a tear and smile and a moment of happiness is brought into my day.
Unfortunately though, the pain still hasn’t gone away, but the way I feel my pain has changed. Some days it’s a throbbing, aching, hole in my heart that and other days, it’s just an ache. And then there’s brief periods of time when the pain is masked by memories. These have been my favorite moments… because the pain lessens for a bit and I can feel my heart trying to heal. I think about all the wonderful things that made you, you and all those memories we made together. That’s what has been keeping me sane the past few weeks, and that’s what I’ve been holding on to.
The memory I’ve been clinging to the most lately is our first date. It was first time I heard you say, “God damn. You’re beautiful.” and the first time I realized that you were someone I’d be happy spending my life with. When we started dating, you talked about wanting to go there again. So, yesterday I took you with me. I spent hours there, hiking the trails and climbing up to our rock. I sat there and listened to your favorite song and looked out onto the water. It was such a beautiful day and it felt good to be in a place where we shared memories together. And while I was there and reflecting on our memories… a moment of peace passed over me. It felt like I finally understood that you’re happy now because you’re no longer in pain. It was a very overwhelming and emotional moment for me, because theres a part of me that doesn’t want to let you go and it somehow still doesn’t feel real. I still miss you and I still ache for you every day. But somehow it helps accepting that you’re no longer in pain, that you’re happy and you just want me to be happy too.
I’m not sure how long this healing process will take, but I know it’s not going to happen over night. I honestly still can’t believe it’s been a month already…some days it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like it’s been a year. I can’t decide. All I know for sure at this point is that it sucks that you’re gone and it’s still hurts (whether it’s been a month or a year). I hate that you had to leave this way, but if this was the path to ending your pain…then I need to learn to accept it. I’m not saying I’m okay with your decision, but I’m doing okay right now just knowing you’re not in pain anymore.