Why do I hurt so much? Why am I in so much pain? Why do I feel so guilty? And how Chris, how do I keep living my life with so much pain and so much guilt? Since you’ve died…I have been asking myself these questions every single day. I have never felt so much pain and so much guilt…ever. And unfortunately, I’ve dealt with death before, but none of those deaths, have compared to this.

It was 3 months ago that I lost a friend unexpectedly due to a serious infection that spread to his brain. His decline was rapid and sudden, and he had to be taken off-life support. Years ago, I had another friend who died in a car accident and one of my best friend’s dad died from cancer and this list goes on. Whether the loss was expected, or a tragic accident, it still caused immense pain and heartache… but none of them felt as terrible as this and I think it’s because you chose to die, and they didn’t.

Your suicide has changed me. It’s changed how I think, how I feel, and how I live. Currently, I’m living in constant pain and guilt. I feel torn apart from the inside out. My body is exhausted; physically and emotionally. My heart hurts, physically hurts. It throbs, and it aches, and it feels like someone is trying to rip it out of my chest. My stomach is tied into a knot. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep and at times I can’t even breath. My eyes burn, from crying all the time…sobbing… uncontrollably. I’m constantly drowning in my own tears and it feels like I’ll never be able to stop. My skin feels cold and bare. It longs to feel your skin and to hug you again. And everything else just feels numb. All of these feelings, are layers of pain. Pain that I’ve never felt before.

I also, have never felt so much guilt, or regret before. I feel like I failed you. Like I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t help you when I should have. The guilt I feel from this takes my gut, turns it, and twists it, and tears me apart even more. It causes my heart to ache more than ever, and my mind continues to race. The guilt reminds me of all the things I think I did wrong…and the things I think I should have done differently. I knew you were sad. I knew you were lonely. I knew you struggled with depression… and because of that, after we broke-up, I still promised you that I’d be there for you. I told you to reach out to me when you needed a friend. But when you’d text me or call me and tell me you needed company, when you told me you were lonely…I turned you down. I thought I was ready to be your friend…but I wasn’t. I was scared of getting hurt again and I didn’t want to get hurt anymore. I just couldn’t do it. And I feel so guilty, for being selfish and protecting myself. Did you know that Chris? That I felt so guilty? And I’m so sorry. I broke my promise to you, and I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.

Now I just keep replaying those messages and phone calls over-and-over in my head. What if I would have agreed to see you when you asked? Would you have still done it? What if we hadn’t broken up? Would you have still done it? And Why? Why did you kill yourself when I was finally on my way to come see you? We had just spoke on the phone and talked about our plans for the evening. You asked me to come over…and then something happened. What was going on in your head after our phone call? What were you feeling? What made you do it? Did I do something wrong? Were you mad that I chose to have dinner with my sister first? Did I not respond to your text fast enough? Did I not call you back fast enough? Or did any of that even matter?

All the “What if’s?” The “Why’s?” Those are questions that just continue to haunt me because I know I’ll never get those answers. And your mom, your sisters, your family, and your friends, they all have their own questions…their own guilt. We like to think that if we would have done something differently. That maybe you’d still be here. That maybe we could have saved you. But that’s not the case. You had already made your decision, and not I, nor anyone else could have changed your mind. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty…and the decision was yours to make. But I wish it wasn’t. I wish you could still be here because I miss you like crazy.

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So it’s been almost three weeks since you’ve committed suicide. I’ve started counseling, and was told writing could be a good outlet for me.  And it has been. I’ve written so much. I’ve written about the night you killed yourself, my experience, the physical/emotional burdens from your suicide, my deepest thoughts…everything. Some of the things I’ve written…they feel so dark and troubled, but the truth about your suicide and my experience is dark. It is troubled…and because of that, I haven’t been able to share or post those stories. Those words and thoughts scare me and I’m not sure if I’m ready for the world to hear them yet. I’m not even sure if I’m ready to go through and re-live them yet either.  It brings back so many memories and drowns me in a pool of emotions. One moment I want to scream and yell at you, the next I’m crying uncontrollably in tears. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything.

On the nights that I do fall asleep, I wake-up in the morning and I’m instantly saddened, because I roll-over and you’re not there. The truth is, I struggled with that feeling even before you left. I’ve been feeling that way ever since we broke-up. But it feels worse now. Before, there was hope that you could be there again and now that hope is gone. Now. There is no hope, and I’m never going to wake-up with you next to me again. I’m never going to get to do a lot of things with you again…I’m never going to get sweet messages from you. I’m never going hear your voice, hear you laugh, and have you tell me about your day. I’m never going to hug you, kiss you or hold you. I’m never going to go on walks and watch the sunset with you. Nor will I get to fall asleep cuddling you on the couch… There are so many things that we did together that I’m never going to experience with you again. And all the dreams and plans you made for our future, we’re never going to experience those together either… and that just breaks my heart. It’s hard waking-up and feeling those emotions over-and-over every single day. I know eventually it will get easier, but right now, it’s just so difficult and so painful… and I’m so exhausted and so tired of fighting.

Everyday is such a battle…I have to fight to wake-up, shower, go to work, and just be “normal.” But normal is a thing of the past now. I’m now living in a world where you only exist in memories. And the worst part is, the world around me is moving on like you never existed. People are out walking their dogs, checking their mail, laughing…joking… living…and I’m over here, struggling to survive. I don’t know how to function without you here. All I want to do I lay in my bed and sleep. I want to sleep until I can wake-up with you next me and realize all of this has been a horrible nightmare. I want to wake-up, roll over and see that smile on your face. I want to hear you tell me, “God damn you’re beautiful.” and hug me like you always did. Gosh… I miss that so much. Why did you have to die? Why did you have to kill yourself? Don’t you miss those moments too? Those moments that we were happy and smiling together, without a care in the world? Because I miss them so much and I miss you like crazy.

We were so happy when we were together and it makes me so angry to think that you felt you needed to die. You chose to die and you took your own life. Those words hurt so much to write… to read… to say… And I can’t understand why you would do something that would cause everyone so much pain. I wish I could yell at you and hug you at the same time. It makes me so angry that you did this, but then I feel guilty when I do get upset, because I know that’s not fair. You were fighting a battle that we couldn’t help you with and as much as I’m mad at you for leaving us, I’m also happy that you fought as hard and as long as you did. I’m happy that you fought hard enough to be around in this world to become a part of my life. I’m happy that you fought long enough to have a relationship with me and to show me I could fall in love again. I’m happy that you kept fighting so we could create memories together. Wonderful, beautiful memories  that I will cherish and forever be grateful for.

I wish so much that I can continue to make memories with you, but now I’ll have to make memories sharing your memories. I seriously miss you so much and I think about you everyday. I’m still not sure how to live in this new world without you, but I know eventually I’ll find my path. I have a difficult journey ahead of me, but I promise I’ll keep trying and I’ll keep fighting, just like you did for me.