So it’s been almost three weeks since you’ve left. I’ve written so much. I’ve written about the night you killed yourself, my experience, the physical/emotional burdens from your suicide, and my deepest thoughts. When I look back and read those stories…it seems so dark and troubled and it scares me. But it’s the truth. The truth about your suicide is dark. It is troubled…and because of that, I haven’t been able to share or post those stories. Those words and thoughts scare me and I’m not sure if I’m ready for the world to hear them yet. I’m not even sure if I’m ready to go through and relive them yet either. Writing helps process my feelings, but reading what I wrote, is a whole other experience. It can be overwhelming because it brings back so many memories. Even without writing, I’m constantly dealing with a pool of emotions…One moment I want to scream and yell at you, the next I’m crying uncontrollably in tears. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything. Every day is just a constant battle of thoughts and emotions…
On the nights that I do fall asleep, I wake-up the next morning and I’m instantly saddened, because I roll over and you’re not there. The truth is, I struggled with that feeling even before you left. I’ve been feeling that way ever since we broke-up. But it feels worse now. Before, there was hope that you could be there again and now that hope is gone. I’m never going to wake-up with you next to me again. I’m never going to get sweet messages from you again. I’m never going hear your voice, hear you laugh, and have you tell me about your day again. I’m never going to hug you, kiss you or hold you again. I’m never going to go on walks and watch the sunset with you again. Nor will I get to fall asleep cuddling you on the couch again. There are so many things that we did together that I’m never going to experience with you again. And all the dreams and plans you made for our future, we’re never going to experience those together either… and that just breaks my heart. It’s hard waking up and feeling those emotions over and over every single day. I know eventually it will get easier but right now, it’s just so difficult and so painful… and I’m so exhausted and so tired of fighting.
I fight a battle every single day…I have to fight to wake up, shower, go to work, and just be “normal.” I feel like I use up all my energy just going to work, because I still have to take care of patients and make sure my job gets done. I put on a face and pretend to be happy, even though I’m not. I’m so far from happy and it’s so exhausting. Everyone tells me it’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to grieve, but I hate being the “sad girl” who cries all the time. And I cry…. all the time now. All I want is to be happy and to feel normal, but I know that I’m never going to be normal again. Suicide changes people. It changes me, your family, and the world around us.
It feels so weird trying to move on in this new world. This world where you now exist in memories. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life; my uncle passed away unexpectedly, my friend’s dad passed away from cancer, my friend was killed in a car accident, and most recently (3 months ago) another friend quickly became ill and had to be taken off life-support. With each death, I went through grief. I healed. I learned how to survive in this world without them. But this world without you. It’s a lot harder to adjust to and it’s a lot harder to live in. And I think it’s because you chose to die, and they didn’t.
It makes me so angry to think that you felt you needed to die. That you decided to take your own life. I’m so angry that you did something that has caused me and your family and your friends so much pain…and so much grief. We all hurt so much and we ache everyday, and you did that to us, and I hate that! I understand you were in a terrible place, so I feel guilty when I do get mad at you, because I know that’s not fair. You were fighting a battle that we couldn’t help you with and as much as I’m mad at you for leaving us, I’m also happy that you fought as hard and as long as you did. I’m happy that you fought hard enough to be around in this world to become a part of my life. I’m happy that you fought long enough to have a relationship with me and to show me I could fall in love again. I’m happy that you kept fighting so we could create memories together. Wonderful, beautiful memories that I will cherish and forever be grateful for.
And that’s where the happiness becomes bittersweet. I’m happy you’re not in pain anymore, but that means you’re no longer here. That means we can no longer make new memories together. Processing that thought has been so difficult for me, because I’m still not ready to believe you’re gone. Somedays I still hope to pick up my phone and see a missed call from you or get a text message saying “I’m sorry.”. I still hope to wake-up with you next to me and learn that this has all just been a terrible dream. But it’s not a dream. It’s real life. You are gone, and I am here. I seriously miss you so much and I think about you everyday. I’m still not sure how to live in this new world without you, but I know eventually I’ll find my path. I have a difficult journey ahead of me, but I promise I’ll keep trying and I’ll keep fighting, just like you did for me.