So this past weekend was rough. I thought I was moving forward, but somehow this weekend felt worse than the last one. I continue to feel like you’re just ignoring me. That I’ll wake up one day with a missed call and a voice message saying, “I’m sorry. I miss you. Please call me back.” But I know that’s not the case. It’s been three weeks. You’re still gone and I’m still here. Yet, I still haven’t figured out how to navigate this new world without you. I feel lost and distant and feel like I’m not connecting with people the way I used to. I’ve spent the last three weeks avoiding anything social because I don’t know what to do around anyone. I try to talk and enjoy myself, but it takes a lot of work and then I feel weird and guilty when I do laugh. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels like laughter is a sign that I’m ignoring the fact that you’re gone…maybe because I feel happy for a brief moment. But the truth is, I’m not. I’m trying to heal and find myself again. You are still on my mind, even in those moments when I’m laughing or having fun.
I spent Saturday at a BBQ with my closest friends. In the moments that I could laugh, I thought about how much they’d love you. I thought about you laughing along with us and smiling and having a good time. And when I played with my friend’s children, I thought about how much fun you and your son would be having with them. And then I thought…If only you had more time…you would have gotten to experience those moments with me…I want so badly for you to be here, to experience life with me. I want you to smile and laugh along with me in those moments of joy, the way you used to when we were together.
I remember those moments when you were happy, and I wish so much that those moments could have saved you. That I could have saved you. I wish that I could have been the one to prevent you from taking your life. It hurts thinking about, “What could have been.” and where our lives would be right now if you were still here. Even if you were here, and we weren’t together, I’d still be happy knowing you’d be a part of my life; either as a friend or a long lost acquaintance. Just knowing you were alive would feel better than knowing you’re gone forever.