So this past weekend was rough. You’ve been gone for three weeks now… I thought I was moving forward, but somehow this weekend felt worse than the last one. On Saturday I woke up, rolled over, and realized you still weren’t there. I didn’t cry like I usually do, so that was progress. Then I looked at my phone, and still no message from you. Again, I didn’t cry. I just felt sad, hollow, dissapointed. Sometimes I feel like you’re just ignoring me, and I’ll wake up one day with a missed call and a voice message saying, “I’m sorry. I miss you. Please call me back.” But I know that’s not the case…It hurts thinking about, “What could have been.” and where our lives would be right now. I wish so much that I could have saved you. That I could have been the one to prevent you from taking your life.
I ache and hurt everyday, and in so many different ways. I’ll feel fine one moment, and broken the next. I can literally go from laughing to crying within a few minutes. It’s like I’m a piece of glass and the slightest memory can make me shatter. That’s how most days feel, and that’s exactly how this weekend was.
Saturday my friends asked me to come over for a BBQ… I quickly responded saying I’d love to join, because I knew I had to get out of the house. My apartment has turned into a black hole for me. A comfortable black hole where I can be a hermit and just forget about everything. I’ve spent most of these past few weeks at home; “watching” tv, mindlessly scrolling through old photos, wasting time on the internet. I haven’t been productive about anything…and I’ve been okay with that. Every day the guilt from your death creeps back-up and consumes me. It brings me to such a terrible place, where I feel lonely and depressed and I don’t want to do anything. All I want to do is stay home. It’s so comfortable hanging out alone in my black hole…but I know it’s not healthy. I’ve struggled with depression most of my life, and I know staying at home alone is the worst thing I could do. So, as much as I wanted to cancel plans with my friends, I forced myself to get dressed, put on some make-up and go to their BBQ. I went, and I had fun. I spent the evening laughing and giggling and joking…and I forgot all about the guilt. For a moment anyways. You though, were still on my mind. You’re always on my mind in some way.
When I’m out with my friends and laughing, I think about how much they’d love you. I think about you laughing along with us and smiling and having a good time. And when I’m playing with my friend’s children, I think about how much fun you and your son would be having with them. And then I think…If only you had more time…you would have gotten to experience those moments with me…and then my mind wanders back to that place. The place of “What if’s” and “Why’s.” and guilt and pain. And that’s how I end my evenings, feeling sad and guilty all over again.
And then Sunday happened. Overall the day was just a blurr of emotions. I tried to keep busy, but again, found myself getting comfortable in my black hole. I spent the morning wasting time; searching random stuff on the internet, mindlessly watching whatever was on TV. I realized, I was letting myself get sucked into that negative place again…so once again… I forced myself to do something. I forced myself to get dressed and leave the house. I threw on a hat, and a jacket and just left. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew I just had to do something, because it’s been three weeks and I’ve spent almost everyday cooped up at home.
I drove around for awhile and found myself parked at the Verizon store…I was eyeing up a new phone and decided to check it out. That ended up being one of the most difficult things I’ve had to face recently. I walked into the store and quickly realized…the last time I was here was when we went together and got your new phone. We probably spent a good 4 hours in there that day. Just looking at random stuff for no reason, laughing, giggling, talking about the future. While we were waiting, you eyed up all the cool gadgets and talked non-stop about how awesome it would be to have a game camera. I saw that very same game camera on Sunday… the one that you touched, and played with, and talked about. It was there, but you weren’t. And I just lost it. I cracked and I started crying and ran out to my car.
How is it, that something so simple, makes me think of you and I just lose it? I see a random object you once touched and just shatter like glass. Most times I cry out of the blue for what feels like no reason at all… but really it’s because something I saw reminded me of you. I’m reminded of you everywhere I go and it’s so exhausting…because I feel sad and cry all the time and I continue to use all my energy trying to act normal. I hate how I hurt so much. I hate that I’m so exhausted and that I cry all the time. I hate that I can’t change anything to bring you back. I can’t change the fact that you’re gone. I can’t change the fact that I loved you and that I hurt so much. I can’t change any of it. All I can do, is continue to heal and keep taking each day, moment by moment, one step at a time. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this… but I know I have to. I’ve gotten through the past 22 days and somehow I have survived. It hasn’t been easy, but I know that’s because I loved you so much. I still love you and I miss you every day.